It feels like it was both just yesterday and a lifetime ago since I had to say “see yah later”. I have been thinking about writing this for a while, even tried starting it a couple times. My intention was for it to be a little more light hearted, but the moment I typed the title tears started streaming so I guess we’ll see how it goes…
I very purposefully wanted to keep it light hearted, because you never took life seriously let alone too seriously.
The first couple weeks it was just pure grief, I don’t think there is any reason to tell you about any of that- you get it. After that though, the things that have brought tears to my eyes have often times made me laugh at the same time. for example, dropping food on the floor. The first time it happened I just stood there and stared at it, my mind couldn’t comprehend that nothing was coming around to hoover it up. After that, the next thing I noticed was just how much food I freaking drop on the floor! Why did I even need to feed you actual dog food, girl?
Speaking of floors, for all the food that drops on them you’d think they’d be gross, but they’ve never been cleaner. I was not in denial about how much you shed, but you’ve been gone a month, how is there STILL fur when I vacuum? That’s not what makes me tear up though, what does is I no longer have to clean out the drain of dog hair right away when I shower. I still do it out of habit sometimes and you lounging in there pops in my head, it’s still the coolest place in the house on hot days.
I’ve kept up with our morning walks, and am bummed I never got you over to the new natural area that is only a few blocks away, I also found a new route that goes into a neighborhood to the North and then around the pond, you would have loved it. I will say the walks are different now, I don’t have to stop every 6 feet for you to get caught up with the most recent smell news. Nor do I have to survive your side eye whenever I stop to take pictures of bees in flowers, hehe.
Meeka has missed you for sure, she is begrudgingly putting up with so much more attention than she prefers, but we have found our balance. The nights she stays in she has found a spot near me to sleep where I also can’t reach to pet her… I don’t think that’s a coincidence, haha.
I’ve felt your absence on the farm too. Yes, you were originally supposed to be more of a livestock guardian, but that was definitely your secondary role. You had a huge impact though, and it’s continuing to show just how much now. You were never really a barker, so whenever you did I always took notice and we prevented a lot of issues. I think just your scent kept many racoons/foxes at bay as well. My belief of this has only been reinforced since you’ve been gone. A couple weeks ago we had our first ever dog attack here in the almost 8 years I’ve been here. A dog squeezed through the the gate to which I was completely oblivious even though my door and window was open and got to Valentino, our resident tom turkey and glorified mascot. It was no ones fault. The dog was being a dog, the owner took full accountability- his 3 year old opened the door and the dog got out, it was a total accident. and yet Valentino is dead and it’s agonizingly unfair. The other part that truly kills me is I am 100% sure that if you had still been here it would have been completely avoided. You would have alerted immediately and ran out there, with me on your heels and we would have taken the dog back home without incident (she lives just next door and has always been a sweet well behaved dog who we’ve never had issues with).
It made me consider if I should get another dog. But I don’t want another dog, I have been more social in the past 2 weeks than the past year because there hasn’t been any living beings depending on me. I almost booked tickets to Chicago to catch an impromptu concert next week mostly just because I could. I don’t want another dog, I just want you back. You were worth every missed engagement and worth complicating every travel plan. I’m sure I will get another one in the future, but there is no replacing you. If I did, as hard a I would try not to I would compare everything- you would be the baseline, and that’s just not fair to any other dog. So that needs to pass, or some serendipity needs to happen where a ‘it’s meant to be’ moment occurs so that that any new relationship has it’s own story a not just riding your coat tails. For now I am still simply missing you.